Giving birth to a child from a loved one-25-year-old Olga sincerely believed that this would make her happy. when suddenly after the desired wedding it was seized by obscure doubts. Help to understand painful thoughts, she asked three psychotherapists. First -person story.
A year ago Pavel and I decided to get married. Could just live together, but thought that we want a child and it would be better if he is born in marriage. My husband is much older than me, and he has long wants to become a father. But we agreed that he would wait a couple of years while I would write a dissertation. And he really patiently waited for this moment. And now I see in his eyes a constant dumb question. But Im scared. I probably should wait a bit, but I can’t put it off for later – I want my children to have a young father.
I tried to understand my conflicting desires myself, convincingly explained to myself that in fact everything is fine. And I was looking for the answer to the question: what is I missing for happiness? But thoughts did not give results, and the situation confused even more. Realizing that one could not cope, I decided to meet with psychologists with a firm intention to prevent gloomy thoughts to ruin my life.
Narrant approach
I pay attention to the details
“Talking about our life, we pay attention to what it seems to us the main one, leaving many episodes“ beyond brackets ”. But at a meeting with a psychologist it turns out that it is these details that can help us become others, while remaining himself, ”the narrative consultant Ekaterina Daychik explains me. We met so that I tried to find and comprehend those stories of my life that will help me “construct myself”.
I am aware of my fears
In a dialogue with a consultant, a vague picture of the future draws up, which bothers me the most: a lonely abandoned woman with a child. Obviously, I did not find time to prepare for the changes that should soon occur. “I’ll think about it tomorrow!”I repeated after Scarlett O’hara, and now I need to catch up. My most important fear is connected with my husband: definitely, our relationship will change greatly after the birth of a child. And I really value our proximity, I put myself in these relations ..
But where do such thoughts come from? To start with the fact that my husband, who, of course, is older than me, is actually ready to live with a baby. He really wants us to have children, but his question “Do they really get sick so often?»Not so much touches as my fear reinforces. If Pasha does not help me, I will begin to be offended – because he wanted the baby so!
Unlike my husband, I well know what a newborn is: my brother is almost 15 years younger than me. I remember how I cried when I learn that my parents will have another child: after all, they can love him more than me. But the main memory is still different: the birth of a brother completely changed the life of my family, demanded from all of us great work, patience, strength. Is my husband ready to sacrifice his habits, free life, comfort.
I try to see the situation in a new perspective
Ekaterina Daychik notes an obvious contradiction in my thoughts. I told her that over the past three years, different events have occurred in our lives. But in complex, dramatic situations Paul always showed himself from the best. I list his best qualities: caring, dedication, tenderness, patience. I say how touching he relates to those whom he loves, how he knows how to mobilize – and it becomes calmer, easier for me. And then I have a question: but is it too strict to him?
In addition, there is an understanding that my teenage experiences (“What if my mother will fall off my love?”) Turned out to be nothing more than a fantasy. Since we have a great relationship with her, and I know that she will always be my support. So, I do not have to be afraid of imaginary loneliness?
“In a relationship with your mother, you will find the support you need,” Ekaterina Daychik confirms and suggests remembering if I have been able to be heard recently. Here is a recent episode. I tried to explain my fears to Pasha, but the conversation did not work out: he began to start, did not listen to the end. And I restrained myself and calmly continued to say what I considered important for him and for myself. “I don’t really understand the reason for my uncertainty, and I need your help to figure out everything. I was next to you when you needed you, and now I need you “. And then then he really heard me!
Client-centered approach
I express my feelings
“To get rid of anxiety, it is important to be able to express your feelings and emotions in a safe and free atmosphere,” the client-centered therapist Marina Khazanova tells me. – The task of the psychologist is to be near and unconditionally accept the patient, internally agreeing that he is at the moment as he is “. The therapist does not give advice and does not offer ready -made recipes. But, telling about his problem to such a careful listener, here each of us begins to understand it better and finds a suitable solution himself.
I draw my fears
Marina Khazanova asks to do this with his left hand, and as a result of some efforts on a sheet of paper, something appears remotely reminiscent of a woman with a crying child in her arms. The result of the next creative impulse is a lady with a stroller against the background of green Christmas trees and a village house. Perhaps it is these two paintings that have been pursuing me recently. It turns out that I am afraid to be locked in an environmentally friendly “cage”, not having the opportunity to work, to study, or just to be yourself.
I move to the past
And I’m trying to understand why I’m so afraid to be tied hand and foot care for a child. I realize that my desire to be perfect, does not give me the opportunity to be free. Obviously, in motherhood, I will strive for the ideal. Now I see that, staying with my younger brother, I turned into a strict policeman who controls his every step. And all because I wanted to justify my parents’ trust, show them that I can be an impeccable sister. And at the institute, every “five” in the exam gave me a crazy charge of adrenaline. The perfect daughter, sister, student, wife and subsequently – the perfect mother. But will my perfectionism make me happy?
I am returning to the present
I recall the words of a friend that she said after the birth: “Do not listen to anyone – you will feel everything yourself”. This idea is confirmed by Marina Khazanova: “In motherhood, what you want, what you feel, what intuition tells you”. Stop worrying about your imperfection and listening to your own desires – this is the number one task. The second – replace “I must” with “I want”.
Yes, I need personal space, time for myself, I want to be able to continue to work. I want a child, but I do not want to take care of him alone – and this is my right. Therefore, today it is so important for me to distribute responsibilities with my husband, to explain his position to him and think together about how best to organize our life after the birth of a child.
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